Question: What do Rab Douglas and Michael Jackson have in common? Answer: They both wear gloves for no obvious reason.
Question: What's the difference between a rooster and a Celtic supporter? Answer: Rooster says 'cock a doodle do', and a Celtic supporter says 'any cock'll do'.
Question: Why is it George Michaels lifetime ambition to play in goal for Celtic?. Answer: Because he'd have 10 arseholes infront of him and 60'000 pricks behind him!
A shabby looking young man wearing a Celtic shirt knocks on the pearly gates and asks to be let in. Saint Peter says "I don't know. Have you ever done anything good like given money to the poor?" "No." replied the Tim "Helped a widow or orphan?" "No." replied the Tim "Helped a little old lady across a street?" "No." replied the Tim "Well then, why should I let you in?" "I did do something very brave once." Said the Tim "And what was that?" asked Peter "I went to Ibrox to see an Old Firm game and stood in the stands with the Huns decked in full Celtic gear." "My, that is brave!. When did you do that?" "About 3 minutes ago...".
Q: If you see a Celtic fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?? A: It could be your bike!!!
Q: What do Celtic fans use as a form of contraception? A: Their personalities!
Q: What has a dead dog on the road have in front of it that a dead Celtic fan does not? A: Skid marks!
Q: What do you do if you see a Celtic supporter with half a face? A: Stop laughing and reload!
Alex Mcleish was looking to sign some new players to help Rangers title push, so he sent his chief scout Ewan Chester to Afghanistan to search for some new talent. Sure enough, the scout finds an outstanding 18-year-old striker and immediately signs him on a 3-year deal.
On getting back to Scotland, Mcleish takes one look at him in training and immediately puts him in the starting line up for the big away game against Celtic.
The new lad is fantastic, he scores a hat trick and creates four more as Rangers romp it 7-0. Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his mum to tell her the good news.
"Mum" he says, "I've just made my debut and had a great game. The team loves me, the fans love me and the press loves me, even them twats on the radio clyde phone in love me. Life is great!"
"Well," says his mum, "I'm glad life is great for you. Shall I tell you what happened to us today?. Your Dad's been murdered in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight, and your brother's joined a vicious gang of killers".
"Mum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry" "Sorry?" She yells down the phone, "You're fucking sorry? It's YOUR fucking fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!!"
A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There totally wrecked, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends putting our differences behind us."
The Rangers fan replied," I agree with you completely, this must indeed be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Celtic fan.
The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan grins and then replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Former Celtic striker Harold Brattback's wife was sick of the tosser and wanted him locked up. So she went to the police. Mrs Brattbakk: "Help me, my husband is a wife beater and has been hitting me." Policeman: "Don't worry love, just carry a goalpost in each hand - and he'll never hit you"
There was this girl on holiday in Miami. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of jugs. Suddenly, she spied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up. Poof! Out emerged a genie, who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired. "Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole, wide world", she requested. The genie uttered "your wish is my command" and wiggled his finger. Woosh!! Woosh!! Immediately before her eyes, appeared Neil Lennon and Chris Sutton!
Henrik Larsson was to meet his new girlfriend outside the Cinema at 7pm. At 9pm she still hadn't arrived, so he went home furious. He phoned her up and said, "whar de fuck's going on here? I waited for 2 hours in the cold for you!" She said, "I'm no gaun oot wi' you. We're finished". "Why?" Larsson asked. She replied "One of my friends said you're a Pedophile." "A Pedophile?" cried Laarson, "that's an awful big word for a seven year old!!"
One night The hunchback of Notredame, Quasimodo was sitting was sitting in his bell tower at the top of Notredame Cathedral looking out over the city of Paris admiring all the lovely young ladies below. He thought to himself that it was high time after years of sexual frustration to lose his virginity once and for all. He immediately began to climb down from the Cathedral and took to the streets in search of his nookie. After repeated knockbacks he eventually decided to try the red light district and found himself knocking on the door of a brothel. A old woman opened the door and welcomed him in. She ushered him into a large room where he was told to pick from a line of prostitutes of which one was a nun. What a stroke of luck Quasimodo thought, as from living in the Cathedral he often lusted over the nuns he saw there. He took no time at all to decide and whisked the nun off to a bedroom for a heavy night of heavy passion that Quasimodo (and the nun) would never forget.
Many years passed and Quasimodo decided it was time to return to the brothel for a repeat that wonderful experience. That night he eventually found the exact same brothel he visited all those years before. Quasimodo rang the bell nervously and after a few minutes a young hideous looking boy with a hunchback of about fifteen years old opened the door and looked the visitor up and down. The boy screwed up his face and began to speak, - "FATHER!!!, you have a nerve to show up here after all these years. I have nothing but contempt for you and I wish you a torturous death, you can go to hell for all I care." Quasimodo sank to his knees with a tear in his eye and whispered, "I had no idea, I did not mean to father a child incase it would turn out to be a freak like me." The boy looked at Quasimodo and said, "what are you talking about you fool, it's got nothing to do with how I look, it's because I was born a fenian!!!"
Alex Mcleish got on the phone to Martin O'Neill: Alex: "Martin, we're having a wee party on Saturday night and we'd like you to come along." Martin: "Sorry, Alex, I can't manage." Alex: "I know that, but why not come to the party anyway?"
A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Celtic shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter. "Hello mate" says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, noCeltic fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter. "Oh really", says St Peter "What have you done, then?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St Peter "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the Governor." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off."
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees, asking, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is wonderful," says Albert, "We will talk about the Grand Unification theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss." Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers "144." "That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss." Albert then goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" and the man answers, "42." Albert responds, "So how did Celtic get on this season, huh?"
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Celtic fans showed up. Never having seen any Celtic supporters at Heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone." "What? All of the Celtic fans are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"
A Celtic supporting family were shopping in the Metro centre, and ended up in a sports shop. Little Joey suddenly puts on a Rangers shirt and says to his sister, "Look, I'm a Ranger!". His sister slaps him across the face and orders him to show their mum. He wanders over to his mum and says, "Maw, look, I'm a Ranger". His mother also slaps him across the face, and orders him to show his dad. He finds his dad and says, "Da', da', I'm a Ranger". His dad looks at him and them he also slaps him across the face. On their way home in the car, the family turn to him and say, "Well we hope you've learned something today" to which Little Joey replies, "Yeah, I've only been a Ranger for two minutes and I already hate you Celtic bastards!"
Celtic are on their way to an away game when their bus breaks down. The driver gets out and lifts up the engine cover. Chris Sutton, trying his best to be helpful, gets out and asks "do you want a screwdriver?" The driver replies "Not now Chris pet, I'm trying to fix the bus."
maritin oneill walks into a sperm bank and sez id like 2 make a donation. The attendent repplies with "i see you have donated before, should i send somone through" "Why" martin repplies. The attendant informs him "well it says on our reccords that your a useless wanker"
Jokes By Stevey!
Heres some jokes by the one and only Stevey from Ayr (Top tim-hater and RFC Fan!!!)
An old man hands over 50 quid to the turnstyle operator at Celtic Park Man: Two please. Turnstyle Operator: Sir, will that be Defenders or Strikers?
What dose celtic stand for Celtic Even Lost To Inverness Calley
martin o`neill was caught for speeding on his way to Septic park today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned
Q: How many Celtic fans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Don't matter, cos they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.
Q: How is a pint of milk different then a tim? A: If you leave the milk out for a week it develops a culture!
Q: What's the difference between a tim and a sperm? A: At least a sperm has one chance in 5 million of becoming a human being.
Q. What's Green, White and funny? A: A bus load of Septic supporters going over a cliff.
There's a rumour going about that if you buy a season ticket at Septic Park then you get a free space suit. Apparently it's due to the lack of atmosphere...
Q: What's the difference between a busload of tims and a Hedgehog? A: On a hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.
Q: What do you call a Tim in Europe after Xmas? A: A tourist...
I'm glad to report that a new green and white Oxo Cube will be introduced early next year. It will be called "Laughing Stock".
It is reported that next season Celtic will change there shirt sponsors to Tampax. This is appropriate seeing as they are going througt a bad period.
John Hartson's wife wanted him locked up - she had had enough of the eejit. So she went to the police and told them: "Please Help, my husband has been hitting me." The Police gave sound advice: "Ma'm, don't worry. Just carry a goalpost in each hand - I guarantee he'll never hit you."
CELTIC FACT FILE Nicknames- Tims, Taigs, Dirty F****n B*****ds Manager- Martin O'Neill A.K.A That traitorus B*****d Ground names- Celtic Park, Park Head, Septic Park, Breeze Block Stadium
Q: How do you get a Celtic fan to stand up? A: Say "Will the defendant please rise."
Rangers fan and a Celtic fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The Rangers fan replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Rangers fan replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Q: What do you have when 100 Celtic fans are buried up to their necks in sand? A: Not enough sand.
A Loyal Gers Fan walks into a Park Head bar with his pet alligator and say's to the barman; 'A pint o' heavy for me And a double whisky for the 'gator'. The barman replies; 'Sorry sir, we don't serve your kind in here This is a Green bar!' The loyal Ger fan asks if they serve Tims. The barman says yes, of course we do! So the man replies Well, I'll have three for my alligator!
There was a group of people on a tour-bus. The guide on the bus asked if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a man got up and said that he could tell a Celtic joke. Suddenly a bloke in the back of the bus said 'No, don`t do that pal. I'm a Celtic fan!' The guide looked at him and said 'That's okay we'll explain it to you afterwards'.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of Celtic Players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Green and white shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven." "What ?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Celtic fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?" "Well" said the supporter, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty quid back, now f*** off".
Q: what's yellow and looks good on a Celtic Fan? A: A JCB
Thieves broke into the home of a Celtic Fan and stole two books. "The thing that upsets me", he said "is that I hadn't finished colouring them in yet!"
A Rangers fan and Celtic fan stumble upon a magic lamp. The Rangers fan gets to it first, picks it up and gives it a rub. There's a flash, a puff of smoke, and a genie appears The genie looks at the 2 men and demands to know who it was that rubbed the lamp. Delighted, the Rangers fan announces that it was him. "Okay," says the genie, "So you get 3 wishes. But there's a catch." "What's that then?" asks the 'Gers fan. "Well, whatever you wish for, I'll give the other guy double." "That's alright with me," says the 'Gers fan, and starts the ball rolling by wishing for a million pounds. "Granted!" says the genie, "But the Celtic fan gets 2 million." "Fair enough. Now, I'd like a nice new Ferrari," "Done. But the Celtic fan gets 2 Ferraris." "Okay," says the Rangers fan, "I'd like to donate a kidney."
The Pope and the Queen attend the Old Firm Clash at Celtic park, the pope turns to the Queen and asks her if she wants to see 60,000 Celtic fans cheer, so the pope stands up and raises his hand, the Celtic fans stand up and cheer to show their acknowledgement. The Pope and the queen attend the next Old Firm game at IBROX and the queen turns to the Pope and asks if he wants to see 50,000 blue noses cheer, He says ok and the Queen sticks the head on him.
Einstein walks into a party and begins mingling with the guests there. He asks the first man he meets what his IQ is. "243" comes the reply. "Great" says Einstein "we can discuss my theory of relativity and the mysteries of how the universe was formed." The next person he meets is a woman, to whom he asks the same question. She says her IQ is 150. "Fantastic" says Einstein "we can discuss politics and current affairs!" The last guy Einstein meets has a sloping forehead and is drooling all over the shop.. "What is your IQ my friend?" asks Albert. "67" comes the answer. Einstein replies: "Hartson had a blinder on Saturday, didn't he..."
A celtic fan wearing his hoopy top walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking' for a job". The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year". The tim said "You're bullsh*tting me!". The man behind the counter said "Well you f*ckin' started it!".
Police today closed of an area of parkhead after finding a suspicious item in a car there. Police later confirmed it was a tax disc
Martin O'Neill died and went to heaven. God showed him to his new dwelling and it was a rundown shack with with an old tattered Tri Colour hanging over the front door. O'neill wasn't too happy with this at all. He looked off into the distance and saw a beautiful mansion with a massive Union Jack hanging over the doorway. O'neill thinks to himself, "Alex McLeish must have died too" and so he says to God, "I don't mean to be ungrateful, but how come Alex gets that gorgeous mansion for a home and all I get is this rundown shack?" God replied, "That's not Alex home, that's mine!
Q: What do you get if you cross a Celtic fan with an octopus? A: An ugly looking bastard that's good at picking potatoes.
Money saving tip for Celtic fans - rather than waste more money on yet another replica kit, simply strap a large rubber dildo to your head. It'll be perfectly obvious to everyone who you support.
One day, a man walks into an antique shop in Glasgow. Looking around, he notices a life size bronze sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is so intiguing, that he decides that he must buy it, and asks the shopkeeper the price. "Twelve pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and a 100 pounds for the story that goes with it." "I'll take the cat, but you can keep the story."
The transaction completed, the man leaves the store with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two cats emerge from an alley, and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but everytime he passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him. By the time he has walked two blocks, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people are beginning to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot, as multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, and abandoned cars.
Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the river at the bottom of the hill, he panics, and starts to run, full pelt. No matter how fast he runs the cats keep up, hissing insanely . . . not just thousands, but millions! He looks up to see that he is running to the edge of the River Clyde, and the trail of cats is now hundreds of yards long behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze cat, into the river. Clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats, surges over the bank, into the river, where they drown. Amazed, and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you have come back for the story," says the shopkeeper. "No," says the man, "I was wondering if you had a bronze Cel'ic supporter?"
After a long and unsuccessful season Neil Lennon asks Dado Prso out for a meal to make up for a few heated exchanges on the park. After the meal Lennon says " fancy a few beers to wash that down" Daz naturally obliges. After a couple of Carling Lennon asks if Dado wanted to try out the new massage parlour. Again Dado obliges. On entering the massage palour Lennon heads straight to the reception desk asking how much for a "wee wank" £10 was the reply. On hearing this Dado says if its £10 for a WEE WANK how much is a full body massage for a SUPERSTAR.
There's a new Celtic bra out.... its all support and no cups!
Celtic FC have set up a counselling hotline for depressed fans. The number is 0800 10 10 10.. yes that's 0800 won nothing, won nothing, won nothing.
Q: What do you call a celtic fan with a bottle of champaigne at the end of the season?
A: a waiter
Q: What's the only thing not on a Celtic Dartboard? A: The Treble
A Rangers fan, An Ayr United fan and a Celtic fan are all out walking in the countryside. Whilst walking they spot a sheep stuck in a fence with it's arse poking out! Rangers fan says, "damn I wish that was Demi Moore!" The Ayr fan says,"Damn I wish that was Sharon Stone!" The Celtic fan says, "fuck I wish it was night!"
Celtic manager Martin O'Neill sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to replace Henrik Larsson and hopefully win Celtic the Champions League. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.
So Martin flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Celtic Park. Two weeks later Celtic are 4 - 0 down in the game of the Champions League against Ajax with only 20 minutes left. Martin gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Henke.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes, and wins the game for septic.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum, to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.
"Hi mum. Guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were mugged and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset.
"What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry".
"Sorry! SORRY?!" says his Mum, "Its your bloody fault that we moved to Parkhead in the first place!"
2 Rangers fans were sitting in a pub watching tv and one went to get a round when he got back the other one was in tears he said whats wrong he replies a celtic bus crashed and flipped over everybody got killed the other guy said you are usally laughing at that whats your problem he replies, there was three empty seats on the bus.